Teachers “ship” themselves and colleagues with fictional soul mates
In this cartoon depiction, Mr. Wilkinson imagines himself with Princess Leia, much to Hans Solo’s disapproval.
*Disclaimer: this article is written purely for entertainment and with the teachers’ willing participation
Teachers at Brookfield Central usually spend their days grading papers, setting up lesson plans, and occasionally observing students in despair during exams. In an alternate universe, however, a typical day might be very different for some of our beloved teachers. Derived from the word relationship, “shipping” refers to putting two people, fictional or otherwise, in a relationship.
Mr. John Wilkinson, a physics teacher, imagines spending his Valentine’s Day flying in space – literally. He pictures himself at the side of the beautiful Princess Leia, zooming through the crevices of outer space at light speed (3.00×108 m/s to be exact). He would feel (and calculate) the GM1M2/r2 force of his attraction toward the headstrong Princess. Wilkinson described his plans for his fictional day:
8:00 a.m. – Go to work. I’d go to school and she’d go save the galaxy.
12:00 p.m. – Meet for lunch and get into an argument about the legalities of calling an elected official “Queen.”
1:00 p.m. – Send a makeup text for the queen argument – get into a new argument about the ethics of fighting against the enslavement of sentient aliens while being okay with enslaving sentient robots.
1:15 p.m. – Get a visit from her psycho ex-boyfriend, the ex-convict. He calms down after I tell him that he looks like Indiana Jones.
2:00 p.m. – Call her AT&T (Alderaan Telephone and Telegraph) phone, but she won’t pick up, so I just leave a message trying to apologize.
4:00 p.m. – Finish up work and get together for a date at the local cantina.
6:00 p.m. – Catch a movie together, she insists on bringing her trashcan robot named R2-D2. I have a feeling the robot knows a lot more than he is letting on.
10:00 p.m. – Drop her off at her place. Don’t stay long since her dad is at the door and he always looks mad and talks like Mufasa.
Yes, Leia would be perfect. She would be absolutely perfect.
According to Mr. Patrick Perez, Ms. Susan Veeder, one of BC’s English teachers, would spend a wonderful day with the ruminating Edgar Allen Poe. Poe, with his dark and brooding aura, would be a splendid companion who would engage in deep and meaningful conversations. Though perhaps he would often retreat “sullenly into his dark wood-paneled study, where he would produce a long, tightly-rhymed, and highly alliterative poem about longing and loss,” she could work with that. In Mr. Perez’s words, the day would go thus:
Kaitlyn Brayer
8:00 a.m. – Get up and feed the cat (a black one, naturally).
8:30 a.m. – Enjoy some croissant and chocolate together, while contemplating the futility of it all.
9-11:00 a.m. – Stare moodily out the window together while contemplating the futility of it all.
11-12:00 p.m. – Workout time! Pendulum ducking, orangutan wrestling, and some Pilates.
12-1:00 p.m. – Pick moodily at a Swiss cheese omelet, while contemplating the futility of it all.
1-4:00p.m. – Work together on Edgar’s “to-do” list. Try to figure out the source of that annoying thumping sound in the living room. Try to find that missing letter. Finish up that masonry project in the basement.
4-7:00 p.m. – Read Dickens together.
8:00 p.m – Dinner at the Ushers’ house.
Kaitlyn Brayer
Yes, Edgar would be perfect. He would be absolutely perfect.
Across the hall, Ms. Susan Veeder predicts that fellow English teacher Mr. Perez would enjoy spending a day with Moll Flanders, the main character from the novel by Daniel Defoe. She would certainly not be the typical woman – bold, quick-witted, and capable of survival in the brutal world. They would carry on highly witty and entertaining conversations in a small coffee shop. “[Moll] is rough, tough, and hard to handle- like literature and life itself,” but Mr. Perez would be able to capture her heart with compositions from his former band days and “lyric finesse.” They could travel the world, exploring coffeehouses, taverns, having some run-ins with the law, all the while “reinventing themselves and growing together along the way”. Yes, Moll would be perfect. She would be absolutely perfect.
Rather than inventing a romantic relationship, Mr. Craig Keir, history teacher at Central, imagines a close-knit friendship with the feisty Robert M. “Fighting Bob” LaFollette, who is “simpatico on all matters”. Keir describes a typical day: “Over a breakfast of asparagus and crab quiche (my specialty, Bob’s favorite), we would discuss important topics related to altering the political landscape in America with the goal of restoring power and decision making to regular old working folks…Then we’d go out and make our case plain to anyone and everyone we could find to talk with. We’d probably also watch an episode of Game of Thrones. We love that show.”
Kaitlyn Brayer
