Valentine’s Day, an annual holiday celebrated on February 14, is a day during which people come together to honor the legendary martyrdom of Saint Valentine by consuming several times the recommended daily amount of sugar. Often exchanged are cards printed with various permutations of the words “I”, “want,” “love,” “valentine,” “you,” “mine,” and “sweet.” As an expression of sentiments, these cards and sugar pills are often manufactured in the symbolic shape of an anatomically incorrect depiction of our most vital internal organ. Often accompanied with these gifts are flowers, colored in shades of red or pink as reminders of what fluids can spill if this vital organ is damaged, which is a completely possible outcome of the spontaneous increased sugar intake patterns demonstrated during this holiday.

Because this holiday is a celebration of personal interaction, young children are actively encouraged to participate. Many grade school classrooms hold obligatory exchanges of cards, gifts, and sweets, which effectively teaches an important lesson from a young age: love is easy to fake.

Stores will frequently insist on advertising expensive merchandise to be exchanged as gifts, displaying large price signs that are supposedly indicators of how much you care about another individual. Some partnered individuals, feeling obligated to celebrate the holiday, find these purchases dismaying. Others, feeling rushed to find ways to be meaningful on the day before, find the purchases extremely convenient.

Though this holiday is apparently designated as a celebration of love and interpersonal relationships, those without potential mates are frequently left behind to suffer alone. These partner less individuals (designated “singles”) often have unique coping methods.

Some “singles” suddenly demonstrate a pattern of rapid sugar consumption. This is due to the positive emotions induced by consumption of sweet foods is sufficient as a barricade against the wave of negative emotions induced by the constant reminder of loneliness. (Note: it is not.)

Other “singles” get past the gnawing feeling of loneliness by getting together in efforts to convince themselves that they are not alone, and that having a partner is “overrated.” These individuals designate February 15, the next day, as “Singles Awareness Day,” in hopes that drawing attention to their singleness will counteract it. Reports indicate this is ineffective.

The most common coping method during Valentine’s Day, however, is feigned apathy. Many will openly insist that the holiday has no intrinsic meaning to them; commonly heard are lines such as “no really guys, I don’t care at all, like it’s just another day for me – I don’t get why everyone makes such a big deal out of it.” The fact that many of these people will eventually revert back to one of the previous two methods of coping, however, strongly contradicts their persistent statements.