College Decision Guide

Worried about the gloomy prospect of choosing a college? Look no further! This is the only guide you will ever need.


  1. Ask your parents. Their opinions are important because they usually have your best interests. After discussing with them and making a decision, completely disregard what they said and do the exact opposite.
  2. If you’re deciding between two colleges: Choose one school to be school A and the other to be school B.
    1. Flip a coin. Have at least two people there to hold you accountable. Rock- paper- scissors would be an acceptable substitution.
    2. Buy a king-sized candy bar and bring it to the next time you go to the mall. Unwrap it and throw it into a large crowd. If it hits a girl, school A. If it hits a guy, school B. If you’re not really sure, you’d better try again.
    3. Choose the school with the least amount of words or syllables. Believe me, after saying The Pennsylvania State University New Kensington Campus of the Commonwealth College a few times, you’ll regret ever even going to college.
    4. Go to a coffee shop and hit on 10 people. If the number of phone numbers you get is even, then go to school A. If it’s odd, then go to school B.


  1. If you’re deciding between multiple colleges:
    1. If possible, do one last campus visit of each of the schools. On a notepad, jot down the number of attractive people you see in a 30 minute period. After doing this, it will be clear which school to attend.
    2. Name rocks after each of the colleges you are considering. Decorate them if you wish. Throw each one as far as you can (outside preferably). The one farthest away is the winner.